Post by unanimous on Jun 27, 2010 11:26:59 GMT 3
i don't particularly have clear cut rules for myself on how to deal with life and other people other than: breathe..and the sage general guidelines of 10 commandments. i think outside those, the rest are just complicated constraints.
something is nagging me the past 2-3 weeks ever since i've received some pretty bad news. annulment. the guy is the pragmatic kind of guy, since graduating from college, he's one of those types whose goals seem clear in their minds: practice their profession, wife, house, child. that time, the guy was already in a serious relationship, gf is someone from college, started 2-3 years before graduation. road to their goals are pretty much being tackled, they're definitely on their way there. five or six years ago, they got married. 3 years later, towards their mid to late 20s, things started getting tough relationship wise. later, amidst all these, they got a child...maybe to maybe fix whatever's causing the dilemma in the relationship, maybe just coz it's the eventual 'should be' next step, maybe to fill a 'gap'. condom broke. who knows. for whatever reason, a child was born. last year, with the kid maybe a year old or so, they separated. ironically, around the time they were separating he also got his dream job in his dream place, the last duck in the row in his row of goals.
why does this story nags at me? it's definitely not the saddest ive heard or read or seen, not unusual. sad but not unique.
ive always maintained that people meet people for reasons, one way or another we touch each others lives, learn from each other, what to do or what not to do, what could work for us, what couldnt using each other as a template.
sometime before they got married, i met this guy. seen their troubles from afar. as a woman though, we pretty have an unfair advantage of having more insight on fellow women than the average hormone driven inlove guy. or anyone else who is hormone driven and inlove. yes. i dont know if its human nature but have definitely seen it a lot, usually for some insane reason we initially mistake people who treat us like crap in a relationship as exciting. and who wants to tell an inlove guy that his gf is registering 10.10 on the witch's level? and besides outsiders cant really tell for sure if they're just role-playing the sadist-masochist game.
after college, i consciously decided on a rule: with male friends i dont get involve with their women troubles, it's one area i think that i actually try to keep a straight face.
Hos before bros, man. i wouldnt want my boyfriend running to his female friends talking about me especially in not so flattering light..that is top among the imaginary list of dickery i figured a boyfriend would do to me, especially if i find out...it's pretty close to the category of sleeping with another woman...i know thats a weird proportion especially as that does not actually require exchange of body fluids but mannn that is emotionally fuckery right there. dang. i got myself upset. now of course if it's a female doing the same thing, that part is negotiable coz hellloooo...women are generally more emotionally evolved and can handle these things...and usually there's a little desire for us to egg the male friend to punch the bf. which of course women shouldnt do to each other in the spirit of sisterhood.
in my practical mind, men are not as emotionally evolved as women...or dont care about these things until of course when they are whimpering from pain when they get suckerpunched by their girlfriends relationship wise. men just drift by til until something has to be 'solved' by them...i.e. but not limited to of course: get a girl pregnant. otherwise, if they're happy and it's convenient, it does not really matter. all's well. men don't menstruate and get hit by hormonal imbalance as often as women do..and are easily distractible. so what am i saying is a lot of men are easily swayed by women. other men accuse women of manipulation, but if they own up to it, it just plain means: what? or complacence. men didnt care, wouldnt care unless they absolutely have to.
Picture a guy complaining about his girlfriend....this is one of the few times a guy could get emotional and think they are being sensitive and getting in touch with their emotional vulnerable self. enter the female friend, either being sympathetic, attentive, encouraging or raging and hating on the girlfriend that usually of course the boyfriend would know better. lucky if the friend is really a friend and does not have an ulterior motive (on the verge of completing your shrine in her basement)....but situations like this, this is the perfect timing for a woman to blitzkrieg you into submission....this is the shock and awe phase....you know when a woman says: "shucks!!for realz!?!?......awwwww....lemme give you a drink...and a hug." seems this times also is when men's sperm are quite potent. have seen a lot of unplanned pregnancies this way.
and the gf-depresseds guy starts thinking...wow,isnt she nice? sweet? understanding? profound!not like my crazy witchy gf!totally.
Obviously, not learning a lesson from Usher's song of "you make me wanna..."
if you're the loyal true female friend, this can get awkward. you like the guy as a friend, but as a friend alone. now if it gets sticky and the guy starts entertaining thoughts of maybe you're awesome..and you will have to let him down...that's kind of double whammy coz here's a guy depressed with his future-ex-gf and you have to reject him...in his crazy depressed mind, you're kicking an injured kitten. a lot of mysogyny started this way i tell you! now who wants to consciously partake in awakening the serial killer/rapists self in their fellow men?
and if you're harboring a crush on this guy...would you really want to start your dream relationship this way? when a guy partly sees you awesome for who you are not (his witchy gf!) and not for the truly perfect way that you are? and would you really like that kind of baggage in a relationship that at some point will have to be sorted out for what it really is? i mean if you put aside your swimfan-erika-christensen self for a while....
this is when it's really just time to listen and not offer a direct opinion but just gently shove your male friend back to his girlfriend and sort it out, either with her or on his own. this is actually his chance to grow some balls. dont rob it away from him. notice it's rob with an O and not U. the consequences from your choice of vowels on that matter could be staggering.
this is when a guy should hold a meeting with his calm self and distinguish between the need for a real friend and not a rebound girlfriend. and the female friends role? is that of a friend...not bff as in back-up *uck friend. the guy needs emotional and intellectual clarity, he can jerk off by himself. this is when the friend is an advocate within the realm of the possible.
with relationships, they often break up then get back together so if you actually say what you think of one or the other, it can get awkward when they eventually patch up. even the knowledge that you are right is little solace especially if you hate awkward.
now back to the nagging story. i suppose im having some misplaced arrogant guilt. could i have made a difference? probably not. did it become my business when the subject was first broached to me? should i have explained my rule to my male friends who came upon the same situation of opening up to me about their girlfriends but i have gently or bluntly told to go get a drink? should i have made it about me instead of about him and given my rationale and bored him out of his depression? am i clinton's administration during rwanda's awful genocide? or did i act like anne freud?
it is hard to explain to people sometimes that you are not being judgmental but just stating or describing something or someone as you see it. and this thin line can often times become a source of bitter rift.
i remember this guy told me that he wished they have someone older
who can advise them on their relationship, encourage them or something. did i bristle and focus on the 'older' part of his sentence and totally lost even an inkling to offer an opinion?
situations i believe happen over and over until we learn from it. this guy is not the first guy who came to me as a friend and i ignored. a number of friends like him ended up messed up anyway even without my advice. do i have super powers then? are my advice as good as zoloft?
anyways, amidst this soul searching while i was fermenting my own sourdough starter, i actually this time emailed my advice. the guy recently, immediately after separation found a girlfriend and this i thought is his new found source of strength to move on with the annulment. i dont particularly believe that one needs an establishment or group of people to approve or make your relationship any more meaningful than how it already means to you. i believe these ceremonies are legalities and acquired for such reasons but not to give meaning to an already meaningful relationship...thats just my belief btw. but for him who actually practices a religion and believe in this thing and what it profess to mean to him, i told him to hold up. take a break. find out on his own what he really likes, the kind of relationship he maybe want to establish with his son, just find out about himself for a while. he's been in a relationship ever since he found the kicks of adulthood, why not this time just drift by himself for awhile, so he can maybe clearly see and discover people for who they are, women as individuals and not someone who seems awesome coz she is not his witchy ex-wife. i may not follow the creed on my life but it's ideal anyway.
on hindsight, i gave this advise without him asking for it this time. so i think maybe this time ive entirely personified foot-in-mouth disease. but if i had confused him even more, i think that's good. confusion is better than not realizing anything at all. ive done my self-appointed deed, though belatedly. although i think i might be in his burnbook by now....and his current girlfriend. gah i hope i dont run into this girl!!
anyways, irony of irony....or whatever appropriate figure of speech, when i started writing this down, when i had to stop or else die of hunger, we ran into another male friend. guess what his news is? BREAKUP.
come on!!!!this a sign!?!? i already gave advice!!
something is nagging me the past 2-3 weeks ever since i've received some pretty bad news. annulment. the guy is the pragmatic kind of guy, since graduating from college, he's one of those types whose goals seem clear in their minds: practice their profession, wife, house, child. that time, the guy was already in a serious relationship, gf is someone from college, started 2-3 years before graduation. road to their goals are pretty much being tackled, they're definitely on their way there. five or six years ago, they got married. 3 years later, towards their mid to late 20s, things started getting tough relationship wise. later, amidst all these, they got a child...maybe to maybe fix whatever's causing the dilemma in the relationship, maybe just coz it's the eventual 'should be' next step, maybe to fill a 'gap'. condom broke. who knows. for whatever reason, a child was born. last year, with the kid maybe a year old or so, they separated. ironically, around the time they were separating he also got his dream job in his dream place, the last duck in the row in his row of goals.
why does this story nags at me? it's definitely not the saddest ive heard or read or seen, not unusual. sad but not unique.
ive always maintained that people meet people for reasons, one way or another we touch each others lives, learn from each other, what to do or what not to do, what could work for us, what couldnt using each other as a template.
sometime before they got married, i met this guy. seen their troubles from afar. as a woman though, we pretty have an unfair advantage of having more insight on fellow women than the average hormone driven inlove guy. or anyone else who is hormone driven and inlove. yes. i dont know if its human nature but have definitely seen it a lot, usually for some insane reason we initially mistake people who treat us like crap in a relationship as exciting. and who wants to tell an inlove guy that his gf is registering 10.10 on the witch's level? and besides outsiders cant really tell for sure if they're just role-playing the sadist-masochist game.
after college, i consciously decided on a rule: with male friends i dont get involve with their women troubles, it's one area i think that i actually try to keep a straight face.
Hos before bros, man. i wouldnt want my boyfriend running to his female friends talking about me especially in not so flattering light..that is top among the imaginary list of dickery i figured a boyfriend would do to me, especially if i find out...it's pretty close to the category of sleeping with another woman...i know thats a weird proportion especially as that does not actually require exchange of body fluids but mannn that is emotionally fuckery right there. dang. i got myself upset. now of course if it's a female doing the same thing, that part is negotiable coz hellloooo...women are generally more emotionally evolved and can handle these things...and usually there's a little desire for us to egg the male friend to punch the bf. which of course women shouldnt do to each other in the spirit of sisterhood.
in my practical mind, men are not as emotionally evolved as women...or dont care about these things until of course when they are whimpering from pain when they get suckerpunched by their girlfriends relationship wise. men just drift by til until something has to be 'solved' by them...i.e. but not limited to of course: get a girl pregnant. otherwise, if they're happy and it's convenient, it does not really matter. all's well. men don't menstruate and get hit by hormonal imbalance as often as women do..and are easily distractible. so what am i saying is a lot of men are easily swayed by women. other men accuse women of manipulation, but if they own up to it, it just plain means: what? or complacence. men didnt care, wouldnt care unless they absolutely have to.
Picture a guy complaining about his girlfriend....this is one of the few times a guy could get emotional and think they are being sensitive and getting in touch with their emotional vulnerable self. enter the female friend, either being sympathetic, attentive, encouraging or raging and hating on the girlfriend that usually of course the boyfriend would know better. lucky if the friend is really a friend and does not have an ulterior motive (on the verge of completing your shrine in her basement)....but situations like this, this is the perfect timing for a woman to blitzkrieg you into submission....this is the shock and awe phase....you know when a woman says: "shucks!!for realz!?!?......awwwww....lemme give you a drink...and a hug." seems this times also is when men's sperm are quite potent. have seen a lot of unplanned pregnancies this way.
and the gf-depresseds guy starts thinking...wow,isnt she nice? sweet? understanding? profound!not like my crazy witchy gf!totally.
Obviously, not learning a lesson from Usher's song of "you make me wanna..."
if you're the loyal true female friend, this can get awkward. you like the guy as a friend, but as a friend alone. now if it gets sticky and the guy starts entertaining thoughts of maybe you're awesome..and you will have to let him down...that's kind of double whammy coz here's a guy depressed with his future-ex-gf and you have to reject him...in his crazy depressed mind, you're kicking an injured kitten. a lot of mysogyny started this way i tell you! now who wants to consciously partake in awakening the serial killer/rapists self in their fellow men?
and if you're harboring a crush on this guy...would you really want to start your dream relationship this way? when a guy partly sees you awesome for who you are not (his witchy gf!) and not for the truly perfect way that you are? and would you really like that kind of baggage in a relationship that at some point will have to be sorted out for what it really is? i mean if you put aside your swimfan-erika-christensen self for a while....
this is when it's really just time to listen and not offer a direct opinion but just gently shove your male friend back to his girlfriend and sort it out, either with her or on his own. this is actually his chance to grow some balls. dont rob it away from him. notice it's rob with an O and not U. the consequences from your choice of vowels on that matter could be staggering.
this is when a guy should hold a meeting with his calm self and distinguish between the need for a real friend and not a rebound girlfriend. and the female friends role? is that of a friend...not bff as in back-up *uck friend. the guy needs emotional and intellectual clarity, he can jerk off by himself. this is when the friend is an advocate within the realm of the possible.
with relationships, they often break up then get back together so if you actually say what you think of one or the other, it can get awkward when they eventually patch up. even the knowledge that you are right is little solace especially if you hate awkward.
now back to the nagging story. i suppose im having some misplaced arrogant guilt. could i have made a difference? probably not. did it become my business when the subject was first broached to me? should i have explained my rule to my male friends who came upon the same situation of opening up to me about their girlfriends but i have gently or bluntly told to go get a drink? should i have made it about me instead of about him and given my rationale and bored him out of his depression? am i clinton's administration during rwanda's awful genocide? or did i act like anne freud?
it is hard to explain to people sometimes that you are not being judgmental but just stating or describing something or someone as you see it. and this thin line can often times become a source of bitter rift.
i remember this guy told me that he wished they have someone older
who can advise them on their relationship, encourage them or something. did i bristle and focus on the 'older' part of his sentence and totally lost even an inkling to offer an opinion?
situations i believe happen over and over until we learn from it. this guy is not the first guy who came to me as a friend and i ignored. a number of friends like him ended up messed up anyway even without my advice. do i have super powers then? are my advice as good as zoloft?
anyways, amidst this soul searching while i was fermenting my own sourdough starter, i actually this time emailed my advice. the guy recently, immediately after separation found a girlfriend and this i thought is his new found source of strength to move on with the annulment. i dont particularly believe that one needs an establishment or group of people to approve or make your relationship any more meaningful than how it already means to you. i believe these ceremonies are legalities and acquired for such reasons but not to give meaning to an already meaningful relationship...thats just my belief btw. but for him who actually practices a religion and believe in this thing and what it profess to mean to him, i told him to hold up. take a break. find out on his own what he really likes, the kind of relationship he maybe want to establish with his son, just find out about himself for a while. he's been in a relationship ever since he found the kicks of adulthood, why not this time just drift by himself for awhile, so he can maybe clearly see and discover people for who they are, women as individuals and not someone who seems awesome coz she is not his witchy ex-wife. i may not follow the creed on my life but it's ideal anyway.
on hindsight, i gave this advise without him asking for it this time. so i think maybe this time ive entirely personified foot-in-mouth disease. but if i had confused him even more, i think that's good. confusion is better than not realizing anything at all. ive done my self-appointed deed, though belatedly. although i think i might be in his burnbook by now....and his current girlfriend. gah i hope i dont run into this girl!!
anyways, irony of irony....or whatever appropriate figure of speech, when i started writing this down, when i had to stop or else die of hunger, we ran into another male friend. guess what his news is? BREAKUP.
come on!!!!this a sign!?!? i already gave advice!!