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kimchi
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« Thread Started on Oct 18, 2006, 9:32am » | ![[Quote]](http://s4.images.proboards.com/buttons/quote.gif) |
Cat and I have just had a conversation about cheating and I'm going to share with you our realizations. Keep in mind that this comes from a married woman of 8 years and a singleton (but was in a commited relationship for 6 years and did cheat and was cheated on).
Boy's, Girl's shit happens. We can not control who we meet and our attraction to them. This is not saying you should go out and sleep with every person that you are attracted too, but just that you should not hold your significant other to a higher set of standards than you hold yourself. Can anyone honestly say that they would never ever cheat?
There are rules to infidelity though.
1) Don't tell your significant other! Unless you are planning on leaving them for this person keep your big mouth shut! Why would you needlessly hurt someone. You fucked up, you cheated, you deal with the guilt, don't pull your partner into it.
2) No prostitutes and no feelings. Affairs happen but deciding to leave your wife/husband for that other person is disrespectful and hurtful. And prostitutes do not just happen, not only do you not know where they've been, but you don't know what you're going to pass back to your wife or husband.
3) Make sure no one else knows! Even worse than your significant other finding out from you that you're cheating is finding out from your friends, or their friends. Have some common sense.
So pretty much that's it. People are people and inclined to do stupid things, especially with regards to sex. It's all about respect for your significant other.
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Qatarcat
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« Reply #1 on Oct 18, 2006, 9:52am » | |
I totally agree with that.
I was also thinking about all the "second wife" issue and I was talking about it with Kimchi here. We both agreed we'd rather have our husbands/boyfriends cheat and hide (assuming they stick to the rules that Kim posted) than have a second wife openly. We are just weird like that.
Of course we both would rather have partners who don't cheat... but we are living in a real world and we are talking real life. And in real life, things happen. And if they do, we would go for the ones that hurt less.
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Legs11
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« Reply #2 on Oct 18, 2006, 11:03am » | |
Do not do something to someone you would not like to be done to yourself! I live and breath by that and would never cheat!!!!
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Bink Brancer
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« Reply #3 on Oct 18, 2006, 11:16am » | |
People who appreciate the concept of karma would not actually cheat; unless the said people aren't too bothered by others cheating on them.
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kimchi
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« Reply #4 on Oct 18, 2006, 11:22am » | |
I've cheated so I can't hold my partner to a higher standard than I would hold myself.
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Qatarcat
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« Reply #5 on Oct 18, 2006, 11:29am » | |
I was under impression that this post wasn't about cheating vs. not cheating. It was about dealing with situation when it happens, IF it happens. We are not trying to make people cheat. What we were saying is that it is possible to cope with it if it happens, depending on the way it happens. Cheating doesn't (and shouldn't) always mean the end of the marriage/relationship. God knows if every cheating partner got divorced or left his/her partner, there would be very few intact marriages and relationships.
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kimchi
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« Reply #6 on Oct 18, 2006, 11:32am » | |
Sometimes cheating can even help the realtionship.
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« Reply #7 on Oct 18, 2006, 11:33am » | |
I don't understand why you would cheat if you love someone. As far as I'm concerned it's as simple as that.
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kimchi
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« Reply #8 on Oct 18, 2006, 11:34am » | |
It isn't even remotely as simple as that.
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« Reply #9 on Oct 18, 2006, 11:39am » | |
In fact, it has very little to do with that.
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aks
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« Reply #10 on Oct 18, 2006, 11:39am » | |
Why not?
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kimchi
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« Reply #11 on Oct 18, 2006, 11:44am » | |
Because unfortunatly love does not conquer all. You never love someone so much for so long that they are the only person you ever notice. And relationships go through phases. We are human beings and we are falliable.
Not only that but you can never predict what will happen in the future, things like financial difficulties, depression, sickness, boredom. This stuff happens.
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Bink Brancer
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« Reply #12 on Oct 18, 2006, 11:47am » | |
Reference to replies #7 - #10.
You see, this is why I choose to keep my relationships very, very simple. Open relationships are truly the best, one reason being that it pre-empts complications arising from accidental / circumstantial / "I was pissed off at you" types of cheating.
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aks
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« Reply #13 on Oct 18, 2006, 11:55am » | |
There's a huge difference between noticing other people and acting on it. Sure, relationships go through phases but they require work. Sleeping with someone else would not be my definition of working on a relationship. I think it's a massive cop-out to say "things change, relationships change" as an excuse for cheating.
True, they do. So if you no longer love someone then get out, don't cheat.
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kimchi
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« Reply #14 on Oct 18, 2006, 11:56am » | |
What if you still love them though AKS?
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« Reply #15 on Oct 18, 2006, 11:56am » | |
OK from the married gal here comes this little bit of inside info: love that rocks your world doesn't normally last forever. Infatuation and inability to concentrate on anything else other than your significant other (haha it almost rhymes) also doesn't last forever. Luckier couples discover that their partner is their best friend, closest relative, confidante, soulmate, rock, island, and so on. Less lucky ones hate their partner's guts - and don't tell me you never heard of it happening. There are also couples who are in love with each other for as long as they live - but that is such an insignificant minority that it is really sad. There should be more of those around. For the majority, however, the security of a stable relationship, economical dependancy, affection, friendship, closeness, children and home are the reasons people stay together. Not the lust and passion. But it doesn't mean that this same majority doesn't experience moments of lust and passion - only it rarely involves their actual spouse/partner. And some give in to it. I wouldn't dare say that MOST give in to it, but my guess would be MANY. Is it worth divorcing your spouse for? I would say no, not if there were no feelings involved and it was a one off thing. Or if it stays secret forever.
If I discover that I am cheated on - yeah the first thought would be "where is the carving knife?" but then I'd come to my senses and deal with it according to the seriousness of the situation. I told my husband once "pray I don't find out". I haven't so far 
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aks
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« Reply #16 on Oct 18, 2006, 11:59am » | |
If you still love them then don't cheat. I honestly believe it's as simple as that and would judge my partner by that basis (and have done so and acted accordingly in the past). I would also expect to be judged on the same terms
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kimchi
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« Reply #17 on Oct 18, 2006, 12:04pm » | |
I agree with Cat. I loved my ex more then anything, but after 4 years together I hit a point where I had graduated from University, was in a stupid dead end job, in debt up to my ears, living with him and two other roomates who hated me, and he was basically absent from the picture due to family reasons. Basically I was stressed out and depressed and here comes this goregeous guy who flirts with me and talks to me and that I see every day cause we work together and one night we got drunk and one thing led to another.
I didn't love my ex any less, in fact I felt so bad about I made a point of being nicer to him and putting more effort into our relationship. The next year was probably the best in our relationship.
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Legs11
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« Reply #18 on Oct 18, 2006, 12:06pm » | |
If someone cheated on me they would be out the door because the trust would not be there, and with no trust you do not have a relationship!
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aks
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« Reply #19 on Oct 18, 2006, 12:08pm » | |
If I had of been that boyfriend I would have dumped you! Sorry but for me it is as simple as that.
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« Reply #20 on Oct 18, 2006, 12:09pm » | |
Who ammended my avatar? I am indeed Awesome, Kickass and a Stud but I don't want people to think I'm bragging myself 
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kimchi
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« Reply #21 on Oct 18, 2006, 12:10pm » | |
It isn't that simple. Love is not that simple. People are complicated. It's naive to assume you would have been able to throw away four years that easily.
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« Reply #22 on Oct 18, 2006, 12:11pm » | |
By all means you should stick to your principles, whatever they are. If you think you can't cope and would never forgive - then you shouldn't stay in the relationship.
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Legs11
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« Reply #23 on Oct 18, 2006, 12:13pm » | |
That would be me!
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aks
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« Reply #24 on Oct 18, 2006, 12:13pm » | |
I agree with Legs. About time she made some sense 
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« Reply #25 on Oct 18, 2006, 12:15pm » | |
OK now imagine that you have 3 kids, a mortgage, and a partner who made a mistake. Are you still going to throw it all away?
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Legs11
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« Reply #26 on Oct 18, 2006, 12:15pm » | |
That's it your next on my hit list AKS!!!!! lol:P
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« Reply #27 on Oct 18, 2006, 12:16pm » | |
i agree with AKS. If you not only love but respect your partner then you would never cheat. To potentially destroy another human being for sexual gratification as low as anyone can get. Im sorry.
Ive told partners in the past, leave me if you have to, that i can respect, but god help you if you flush the trust i give you down the toilet.
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kimchi
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« Reply #28 on Oct 18, 2006, 12:16pm » | |
Or even that you've been living together for two years, you have loans and furniture and a cat. It isn't that easy. And while trust is a large part of a relationship it is not all of a relationship.
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Qatarcat
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« Reply #29 on Oct 18, 2006, 12:18pm » | |
OK looks like some of us are more forgiving and less naive than the others
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